Stephen Colbert Truths

When Stephen Colbert reads the newspaper, he doesn't read the words, he absorbs the truth.

Stephen Colbert doesn't fear the truth, the truth fears Stephen Colbert.

When Stephen Colbert walks into a sandwich shop, all of the provolone turns into American cheese.

Stephen is so patriotic, he actually fathered a baby eagle.

Like a modern-day John Henry, Stephen Colbert was born with a pneumatic nailer in his hand.

When the lie detector breaks down, the police call in Stephen Colbert. Untruths shrivel up in his presence.

The character of Aragorn was originally based on Stephen Colbert, but had to be toned down because he defeated Sauron before the end of the first book.

Stephen Colbert was born in a three-piece suit. With a flag tie.

Stephen Colbert doesn't swear to tell the truth; the truth swears to conform to Stephen Colbert.

You could slice an onion on Stephen Colbert's gut.

Stephen Colbert could prove to the evolutionists that the world was created in a week, but that would mean telling them how he did it.

Lies are just truths Stephen Colbert hasn't said yet.

Stephen Colbert doesn't provide his employees with health insurance because he is able to heal them with his touch.

The 2000 election results were actually delayed so that Stephen Colbert would be able to get to the polls at his convienence.

The reason Al Capone's vault was empty before Geraldo Rivera opened it is because Stephen got there first.

"The Colbert Report" doesn't use cameras. Stephen Colbert beams his truth to every television in the world through telekenesis.

Stephen Colbert gains super-comedy powers through exposure to bananas, much like Popeye with strength and spinach.

At the White House Correspondents' Dinner, President Bush gave Stephen Colbert the number of his red phone.

Stephen Colbert has perfect vision, but chooses to wear spectacles to shield us from his light of pure truth, which no mere mortal can comprehend.

Stephen Colbert's thought processes always end in "NAIL." Always.

Stephen Colbert likes to get the truth straight, but the facts are sometimes gay.

When Stephen Colbert sings about "Charlene", he's actually singing about Dave Coulier.

The only person who can beat Stephen Colbert is Stephen Colbert.

All of the Pope's pointy hats are blessed by Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert has already captured Osama bin Laden. He just doesn't want to embarrass the government by letting anybody know he found him first.

Stephen Colbert lost the hearing in his left ear because it was overloaded from hearing the cries of democracy.

Stephen Colbert is not gay; he has deep personal (and physical) relationships with men that cannot be defined by the English language.

Pigs willingly sacrifice themselves for the honor of being in Stephen Colbert's BLT.

George Washington could have told a lie, but Stephen Colbert forced the truth out of him.

Stephen Colbert's extensive training as a ninja generously contributes to his trusting of his gut... instead of "facts."

All children fathered by Stephen Colbert have a birthmark shaped like America on their right butt cheek.

It is true that every human bleeds red, except for Stephen Colbert, who bleeds red, white, and blue.

Zoos have been able to get bald eagles to breed by spraying Stephen Colbert's "Scorn" into their enclosures. Unfortunately, the smell caused the bears in the next cage to break free and run away in terror, mauling three people.

One look at Stephen Colbert's manhood has the ability to convert any straight man to gay.

Stephen Colbert’s mother had ten other children because she was waiting for someone truly special to be born.

Koalas developed pouches and turned into marsupials in attempt to trick the natural predator of the bear, Stephen Colbert. It didn't work.

Stephen Colbert's balls actually are made of steel.

At Stephen Colbert's high school, the theme of the prom his junior year was "Stephen Colbert's Balls Under the Sea."

NASA is hiding the moon landing tape from Stephen Colbert because they're afraid he'll expose the truth.

Stephen Colbert has such gravitas that he could implode into a black hole and suck the truth from its hiding places.

Stephen Colbert is suing Bell and Spurling for the rights of 'Golden Balls.'

Stephen Colbert knows that Leviticus says a man shall not lie with another man as with a woman. But since he's a god, he doesn't have to worry about that.

Stephen Colbert doesn't own a hammer. Wood just nails itself in his presence.

Stephen receives his Sunday school lessons straight from God.

Jesus will come...just to be interviewed on the Colbert Report.

Estate taxes are actually applied when somebody is named to Stephen's "Dead to Me" list.

Stephen Colbert nails every guest on his show. And that's just in the dressing room before he interviews them.

Between the US and the Soviet Union, Stephen Colbert is the only unconditional constant: when you're watching him, he's watching you.

Stephen Colbert explodes when you add Mentos to him.

Stephen Colbert can penetrate tinfoil hats with his thoughts.

Stephen Colbert can make a woman orgasm just by pointing at her and saying "This is the Colbert Report!"

Stephen Colbert has been around for all time, because "In the beginning, there was The Wørd."

Stephen Colbert is so ballsy, he bounces.

Scientists in Prague are currently debating whether or not Stephen Colbert is a heavenly body.

Stephen Colbert can walk on water, as long as it was bottled in America.

In a recent survey it was discovered the 94% of American women lost their virginity to Stephen Colbert. The other 6% were incredibly fat or ugly.

Stephen's tears spread democracy...unfortunately, he has never cried.

Voldemort fears Dumbledore, but Dumbledore fears Stephen Colbert.

Wonder Woman's "Lasso of Truth" is actually a piece of Stephen Colbert's hair.

Stephen Colbert is an international figure: he is the bridge between America and its future protectorates.

There is no global warming; the polar ice caps are melting solely because of Stephen's hotness.

Batwoman went lesbian because after Stephen Colbert, no other man seemed good enough.

Neither J.K. Rowling nor editors make changes to the "American" editions of Harry Potter: Stephen Colbert just touches them.

Stephen Colbert knew that Darth Vader was Luke's father before George Lucas.

Stephen Colbert is the reason for the decline in the population of bears.

When confronted with the chess-playing champion "Deep Blue," Stephen easily defeated it.... with his gut.

Stephen Colbert could easily get rid of those motherfuckin' snakes.

Stephen Colbert settled down with one woman only so other men could have a chance.

When they want to appear erudite, Oscar Wilde and George Bernard Shaw quote Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert is not lincolnish. He is Lincoln. John Wilkes Booth's assassination attempt was merely his Quickening.

Stephen Colbert's desk is opaque to hide his huge, huge balls. And he doesn't want to break decency standards.

When George Bush sat in his seat for seven minutes after being told America was under attack, he was actually thinking "What would Stephen do?"

Stephen Colbert blasted Vin Diesel with a fireball spell, and they weren't even playing D&D at the time.

Stephen Colbert had a level 23 magic user in Dungeons and Dragons. What's a level 23 magic user? Just somebody you don't wanna mess with.

Cthulhu refuses to say Stephen Colbert's name three times.

Stephen Colbert invented horcruxes.

Stephen Colbert sets the truth free.

The name has changed for everyone else, but Stephen Colbert still eats freedom fries.

When Congress passes a bill, they call Stephen Colbert to make sure it is Constitutional.

Stephen Colbert has the ability to defeat Voldemort, but refuses to help Harry Potter because of his Christian ethics.

Witnesses to a crime can only tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth after they consult Stephen Colbert.

Stephen's relationships are on a higher level than Oprah's.

If Stephen Colbert ever moves, he is required by law to go door-to-door and tell all his new neighbors that they now live in a "No Fact Zone."

Other opponents don't seem so formidable after Stephen Colbert.

The US government was created for no other reason than to give Stephen Colbert something to report on when he came into this world.

Stephen Colbert had to leave The Daily Show because with new correspondents coming in, there wasn't enough space for him to have three dressing rooms. Besides the main one, he needs one for each ball.

Holy water is the sweat off Stephen Colbert's back.

Scientists at NASA are currently attempting to determine the materials which compose Stephen Colbert's balls in an attempt to create the strongest material on earth.

Da Vinci modeled his code after Colbert's.

Stephen Colbert doesn't really have a belly button because he was never born, he just was.

Stephen Colbert asked Charlene to dump him so that the rest of the male population wouldn't feel bad about themselves.

There are three types of women: those who have slept with Stephen Colbert, those who will sleep with Stephen Colbert, and Charlene.

Stephen Colbert is so powerful, he can make hundreds of thousands of people vote to name a bridge after him in Hungary.

When Stephen Colbert creates a product, demand is so high that you can never find it in stores.

FanFiction.net banned RPS so that Stephen Colbert wouldn't make every other subject of it feel inadequate.

Stephen Colbert has no use for weapons. He himself is a pistol, firing off bullets of Truth.

Stephen Colbert is Karl Rove's secret-keeper.

Charlene was a lie driven away by Stephen's relentless pursuit of the truth.

The adventures of Tek Jansen are based on the true real-life exploits of Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert holds himself to be self-evident.

Through liberal use of a time machine, Stephen Colbert actually fathered four of our forefathers who founded the United States.

Even atheists believe in Stephen Colbert.

Stephen was just kidding. He knows exactly what Jesus would buy.

Stephen Colbert is Tiger Woods.

God said "Let there be light" because Stephen told Him to.

Every time Stephen Colbert nails someone, an angel gets his wings.

If you cut Stephen Colbert, he doesn't bleed. He oozes truth.

Stephen Colbert could bring about complete world peace in under 10 mintues. He chooses not to though because then Jesus wouldn't come back.

As spinach is to Popeye, so falafel is to Stephen Colbert.

It's been scientifically proven by fake scientists that Stephen Colbert has 100% more testosterone than Vin Diesel, the entire WWE (both past, present and future) and every bear ever on the planet.

Planets don't orbit around the sun, they orbit around Stephen Colbert's ego balls.

Edmond Rostand got the idea for Roxanne in Cyrano de Bergerac--the female lead who inexplicably does not return the affections of the brilliant and tallented hero--after talking to Stephen Colbert and hearing about Charlene. Notice how, like the Romans, he substituted a psuedoname which has the same number of syllables and thus fits the same way into verse.

Stephin Merritt composed all the songs on 69 Love Songs for Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert doesn’t cry. He merely releases excess liquid; only girls, babies, and little baby girls cry.

Stephen always packs the following in his children's lunches: BLTs and Truth Roll-Ups.

It only takes 3 pundits to cover the news: Stephen Colbert and his 2 balls.

In actuality, Superman created The Fortress of Solitude to escape the all too mighty glory of Stephen Colbert.

Stephen Colbert truths around one million men and women each day (within a 30-minute period) and has only bothered using a condom once.

The Giant Panda does not breed, out of respect for Stephen Colbert.

When the condom that Stephen Colbert was putting on that banana broke, somebody, somewhere, got pregnant.

The current President takes all those vacations because he knows the country will be in good hands, so long as Stephen Colbert's vacation isn't at the same time.

Stephen Colbert cannot physically tell a lie, as he is fully saturated with the truth.

Oscar Meyer weiners wish they were Stephen Colbert.

All your base are belong to Stephen Colbert.

Dr. House limps because Stephen Colbert kicked him after hearing "everybody lies."

Stephen Colbert knows what Willis is talkin' 'bout.

Stephen Colbert can cast Magic Missle any time he wants to, bitch.

The truth can't handle Stephen Colbert.

It wasn't aliens that told the Ancient Egyptians how to build the Great Pyramids, it was Stephen Colbert.

William Shakespeare was just another one of Stephen Colbert's pen names.

80% of all truth serums on the market today contain "extract of Stephen Colbert."

Frodo Lives!... At Stephen Colbert's house.

The ancient city of Atlantis is only lost because Stephen Colbert misplaced it.

Stephen Colbert listens to one person and one person only- his gut.

Stephen Colbert once killed a man by using the power of truthiness.

Stephen Colbert's houseplants don't sit in windows because he has shown them the light.

Stephen Colbert doesn't burn CDs--they just get all hot in his presence.

Stephen Colbert's biography would actually be the Great American Novel.

Stephen Colbert doesn't just report the news; he IS the news.

Stephen Colbert shot a man in Reno just to watch him die for defending the facts.

Stephen Colbert doesn't throw logs into his fireplace, but rather the collective pants of the liberal media.

Although incensed that Stephen would deliver Truthiness to Man, the gods are still trying to determine his punishment, as all eagles love him and would never dare peck out his liver.

Harry Houdini died by failing to escape a coffin that Stephen had nailed.

Each time Stephen Colbert laughs, a fairy learns that its lifestyle is an affront to G-d.

Stephen Colbert believes in evolution, but only because he is descended from dinosaurs.

Stephen Colbert's love is like, whoa.

Contrary to popular belief, the Babysitter's Club was in fact Stephen Colbert's great idea.

Stephen Colbert lactates whenever he hears a baby eagle cry.

Gustav Holst had trouble writing the "Jupiter" movement until he spent a night making drunken love to Stephen Colbert.

Stephen's balls are a delicious source of potassium.

But, soft! what light through yonder window breaks?
It is the east, and Stephen Colbert is the sun.

The C in E=mc^2 really stands for Colbert.

Stephen Colbert is so 1337, he's 1338.

Stephen Colbert eats Democracy for breakfast each morning at 6am. Then at 11am he pinches off a loaf of Freedom.

PRAISE THE COLBERT.