joke of the day

:affraid: :affraid:

What do a lawyer and a sperm have in common?
They both hope to be human someday.

cruel

yeah, i usually am.

Yo mama's underwear is so full of holes that every time she farts they whistle.

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Two hicks brought home a puzzle one day, and sat down to solve it. A week later, they finished the puzzle.

"Well, that didn't take so durn long," said one of them.

"Naw, it didn't. 'Specially considering it says 3-5 years on the box."

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A blonde and a lawyer sit next to each other on a plane. The lawyer asks her to play a game. If he asked her a question that she didn't know the answer to, she would have to pay him five dollars; And every time the blonde asked the lawyer a question that he didn't know the answer to, the lawyer had to pay the blonde 50 dollars. So the lawyer asked the blonde his first question, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?" Without a word the blonde pays the lawyer five dollars. The blonde then asks him, "What goes up a hill with four legs and down a hill with three?" The lawyer thinks about it, but finally gives up and pays the blonde 50 dollars. Then the lawyer asked her what the answer was and without a word the blonde gave the lawyer five dollars.

Football Players Qualification Quiz:

You Must Answer Two (2) or More Questions Correctly to Qualify.

1. What language is spoken in France?

2. Give a dissertation on the ancient Babylonian Empire with particular reference to architecture, literature, law and social conditions. OR Give the first name of PIERRE Trudeau.

3. Would you ask William Shakespeare to: (a) build a bridge (b) sail the ocean (c) lead an army (d) WRITE A PLAY

4. What religion is the Pope? (Check only one) (a) Jewish (b) CATHOLIC (c) Hindu (d) Swedish (e) Agnostic

5. Metric conversion. How many feet in 0.0 meters?

6. What time is it when the big hand is on the 12 and the little hand is on the 1?

7. How many commandments was Moses given? (Approximate)

8. What are people in America's far north called? (a) Westerners (b) Southerners (C) NORTHERNERS

9. Spell -- CAT, DOG, PIG

10. Six kings of England have been called George, the last one being George the Sixth. Name the previous five.

EXTRA CREDIT: Using your fingers, count from 1-5.

top 10 worst pickup lines


10. That shirt is very becoming on you. Then again if I were on you I would be coming too.

9. weorilkngklsanvksjerthwerjasdnfv me if I'm wrong, but is your name Frank?

8. The word of the day is legs, let's go back to my car and spread the word.

7. If your left leg is Thanksgiving and your right leg is Christmas, can we meet between the holidays?

6. You look lost, would you like directions to my bed?

5. Good news! You're having my baby!

4. Hi, my name is Zeus, would you like to be my goddess?

3. Are you a thief? Because I just met you and you've already stolen my heart.

2. I lost my phone number can I have yours?

1. Baby, I'd drag my herpes-encrusted pecker through a mile of broken glass just to eat the corn out of your qiuweyrjnedvgjasdnvjaks!

A woman walks into a bar and orders a drink. A few minutes later, a man walks in and sits down beside her. He notices that she's a little depressed and asks her what's wrong.

"My boyfriend dumped me because he thought I was too kinky."

"Wow! What a coincidence! My girlfriend dumped me because she thought I was too kinky," he replies.

So they start talking, and find that they have a lot in common. After a few more drinks, they start feeling a little frisky and he decides to go home with her. Once they walk into her house, she excuses herself to go ''slip into something a little more comfortable." She dresses up in her leather mask, rubber bra with the nipples cut out, thigh high leather boots, everything. She grabs her whip and walks back into the living room and sees him putting his coat back on, getting ready to leave.

"Hey, where are you going? I thought we were going to get kinky!"

The man looks at her all confused and says, "I all ready fucked your dog and shat in your purse -- what more do you want?"

A man in a bar has a couple of beers, and the bartender tells him he owes $8.

"But I already paid you! Don't you remember?" says the customer.

"Okay," says the bartender, "if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid or not. The second man then rushes in, orders a beer, and later pulls the same stunt.

The barkeep replies, "Okay, if you said you paid, then I suppose you did."

The customer then goes outside, sees a friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.The third man hurries into the bar and begins to drink highballs. Some time later, the bartender leans over and says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid, and both claimed that they had paid. The next guy who tries that stunt is going to get his ass...."

The man interrupts, "Don't bother me with your troubles, bartender. Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

my new word: lolful ful

What do you call a vegetarian with diarrhea?

A salad shooter.

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A blond guy and a brunette girl were happily married and about to have a baby. One day, the wife started having contractions, so the husband rushed her to the hospital. He held her hand as she went through a trying birth. In the end, there were two little baby boys.

The blond guy turned to his wife and angrily said, "All right, who's the other father!?!"

Three railroad workers, a Chinese man, an Italian, and a redneck, are all sitting down to lunch.

The Chinese man says, "If I get another egg roll in my lunch, I'll kill myself."

The Italian guy says, "If I get another slice of pizza, I'll kill myself."

The redneck says, "Iffin I get another ham hock, I'll kill myself."

The next day, all three men get the same lunches, so they throw themselves in front of an oncoming train. At the funeral the Chinese man's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed an egg roll that day."

The Italian guy's wife says, "If only I hadn't packed a slice of pizza that day."

"Don't look at me," says the redneck's wife. "He done packed his own vittles."

:affraid:

i have no idea what the weorilkngklsanvksjerthwerjasdnfv a "vittle" is.

food
lol

thats what i thought

Q. Why is air a lot like sex?

A. Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.

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Why is it so difficult to find men who are caring, sensitive, and good-looking?

They already have boyfriends.

A man walked into a bar on a slow night and sat down. After a few minutes, the bartender asked him if he wanted a drink.

He replied, "No thanks. I don't drink. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

So the bartender said, "Well, would you like a cigarette?"

But the man said, "No thanks. I don't smoke. I tried it once, but I didn't like it."

The bartender asked him if he'd like to play a game of pool, and again the man said, "No thanks. I don't like pool. I tried it once, but I didn't like it. As a matter of fact, I wouldn't be here at all, but I'm waiting for my son."

The bartender said, "Your only son, I'm guessing."

How many blondes does it take to milk a cow?

Five - one to hold the udder, and four to lift and the cow up and down.

A cop pulls over a drunk driver. The drunk driver says, "Ossssifer, you need to get your records straight. You just asked me for my license, but you took it away yesterday!"